The Mid-Summer Blues of Two Zero One Two

It appears my desire to release stage three relatively close together to stage two shall not be fulfilled.  While I would have liked to have my vision of the apocalypse out as soon as possible, it will not be that easy.  It seems that the old expression "wish in one hand and $!&+ in the other" is confirmed once again. These past two years have been the most demoralizing in my entire life and the $!&+ keeps piling up.

To set such a lofty goal (the writing of a seven hundred page book for my first novel) was an undertaking that I felt I was prepared for back in 2010.  I had my health, a purpose (break away from screenwriting and hop on the eBook revolution), and enough drive and passion to meet the tricky but distant enough deadline of 12/21/2012.

In retrospect, if I hadn't been so eager to deliver my long ago written screenplay Cipher (a story that deals with 2012) before this coming December, I might have begun my literary career with a manageable 300-page story.  No, I had to try and tackle the world.  The challenge of incorporating Cipher into a larger story proved too tempting.  Back in 2010 as I was preparing to begin, I had no idea what was ahead of me--only big ideas and a plan to reach my goals.  


The first six months spent writing the initial draft were gravy.  The story flowed forth with such ease that I became overconfident, maybe even cocky.  There was so much time remaining and I was making such good progress, who could have blamed me for feeling like I was ahead of the game.  Time, it turns out, does not like to be taken lightly.  


Boom!  2011 hits and the $!&+ hits the fan.  The physical setbacks sustained last year were a huge roadblock and their effects were not limited only to writing.  The toll of those setbacks were emotionally taxing as well.  Doubt began to creep in before I had even released a page.  Had I tried to bite off more than I could chew?


Financially, I knew when I began that writing such a mammoth story in two years would force me to work mainly part-time.  When you do that in today's society people question your reasoning.  I learned in 2011 why they say artists must suffer for their work. The seemingly infinite world of hope I knew in 2010 began closing in around me.  With my injuries, working mainly part-time became working when I could.  Doctor's visits seemed to be more prevalent than hanging out with my friends.  It began to feel like I was in a fight and I was taking hits from all sides. 


The seeds of doubt were full-blown fleurs de mal (Flowers of Evil).  The questions and thoughts that arose within me were cancerous to my purpose:  Maybe you're not meant to finish? No one understands.  To top it all off, the eBook revolution that I thought I was a part of... is over.  EBooks are everywhere.  Their quality and content varies dramatically.  Anyone can release an eBook with very little effort.  This was a draw to me initially, but it seems the majority of these eBooks are seedy sex romps or 10-page short stories.  I actually saw an eBook yesterday about the shooting in Aurora, Colorado.  That was three days ago!  The rules for eBooks are obviously changing rapidly and I'm waist deep in the editing and rewriting of a novel, while others are writing and publishing scant prose and sensational articles within hours.  After all the hard work I've put in I don't want to be on the same shelf, let alone share the same sentence as these other more frivolous types of eBooks.  Call me a snob or whatever, I don't care, but please don't place Monarch alongside those types of work.  


Through the past two years I've had to remain focused, or else I might have jumped ship in 2011.  And the only thing that brought me solace during the past year plus was the work.  Accepting that there will be no week long vacations, no reassuring words that the path chosen is the right one, no time to waste, is what they don't teach you in a classroom.  Suffering humiliations and abiding the incompetence of others--there is no class for that.  This is however the downtrodden path of a self-published eBook author who attempts to finish a 700-page novel in two years, while releasing it in four parts instead of all at once.  


It is a self-imposed suffering that such a writer must endure.  I could at any time pack it in and say "oh well."  I'm sure some would be relieved if I were to do that.  It might seem that a great load had been lifted from my shoulders.  That, however, would not be the case.  That burden can only be unloaded once stage four is released.   Haha!  That makes me sound like Frodo Baggins in Lord of the Rings. Actually, that is not far from the truth.  And the more I think of it, the more apropos the comparison. My "precious" story must be delivered to Mount Doom (aka eBook release) before Sauron destroys Middle Earth (12/21/2012 arrives).  Ugh!  Sad but true.  It is a pity that it has become a love hate relationship.  I will be sad when it is over with and done, but I will no longer have the burden to worry about.